My take on the birthing class

Since I was so summarily insulted in Kim's last post, I will now give my thoughts on the birthing class (we have attended 3 of them now). The woman who runs it, Connie, is very hippy-dippy touchy-feely about the whole birth thing, and very pro-doulah, anti-drug. We have been told many times about how wonderful a doulah is and how a focus on breathing can get one through any amount of pain, but we really haven't been given the answers to questions like "what happens when my wife gets an epidural?" or "how will the birth be different with an epidural?" Cause I gotta believe that Kim is getting an epidural, especially after the "play through the pain" exercise we did last class which involved holding ice for 60 seconds. Kim was NOT happy about that, and something tells me that childbirth will be worse than holding ice for a minute. Connie tried to help Kim with the exercise by rubbing her shoulders, and Kim responded by yelling "Bitch get yo funky hands offa me!" Well at least that's what the look that Kim gave her said.

We do a lot of breathing exercises in the class, which I excel at (too bad I won't be having the baby). Some of them are kind of silly though, especially the one where you breathe by saying "hee, pa" repeatedly. Just try it. "Hee, pa, hee, pa, hee, pa..." I don't know what that's supposed to do except make us laugh, which we often do during the class. In fact I spend more time trying not to lose it during the class than I do focusing on my breathing, or helping Kim focusing on her breathing, which basically involves me standing there looking supportive. The worst example of this was when Kim had to go to the bathroom, and while she was gone we did an exercise involving the partner leaning against the wall and the woman leaning back into him, while the two gently rock back and forth. Since Kim wasn't there, I practiced with the pillow. I held it firmly but softly, and whispered to it, "Shh honey, you're doing great... Breathe, that's it, good pillow..." Wouldn't you know it, a little throw pillow popped out! We call it Fluffy.

I try to stay mature and professional during the class, but Connie gives us so many openings for ribald humor that it's very difficult to remain serious. Whenever she expounds on the advantages of the perineal massage (go look it up), Kim and I exchange looks. We also practiced one birthing position in which the woman goes on all fours and the man goes behind her and grips her butt. "That's how we got into this mess in the first place!" I muttered.

In the end it'll all be worth it for next week's class, which is the tour of the delivery rooms and maternity wing of the hospital. That I think will be very helpful. Not that the class has been a complete waste - I certainly have learned a lot and gained some new vocabulary, like perineal massage. It's the massage that keeps on giving!

- Mike