Closing out 2010

I feel so cliche saying this, but this year went by so fast! It really did. Last year on New Year's we were celebrating Tamar and Noam's wedding...and just yesterday they welcomed a baby boy! (And I thought we had a crazy year!) It literally could have been yesterday, and we had no idea we were in for the ride of our lives! So of course I'm now all nostalgic about remember the events of 2010, though about 90%, if not more, were related to the pregnancy and birth of Sid. Speaking of cliches, I heard Seasons of Love on Pandora yesterday, so it's like I've had a montage of memories running through my head over the course of the last day...which briefly inspired me to put together an actual montage of photos and video set to the song and post it. Then I remembered I have 2 children and very limited free time, so I abandoned that plan. If you've seen my dining room table recently, you'd understand.

But I do want to reflect on the last year, because it was pretty extraordinary. In 365 days, I have experienced moments of utter despair and deep pain, and moments of pure elation and wondrous joy. And everything in between. When I sat with my friend and her new baby not long ago, she asked me what Sidney has taught me so far. I took pause in realizing that he and Ivy are, in fact, my greatest teachers. And, simply put, I have learned that life just keeps on going, like it or not, and whether it's going the way you planned. I had to get used to the idea of having another baby because every day he was growing bigger inside me; when I learned I would have to have a c-section I just had to move forward and prepare as best I could; when he was born the middle of the night feedings began again and there was no turning back. You don't get even a second to stop, and that makes it hard sometimes to enjoy. He's already 3 months old, and I am stunned at how the time has flown. I want him to be little forever, and I still say that about Ivy too.

I've learned that having 2 kids isn't actually as hard as I thought...it's that one of them is 2 1/2 which makes it extraordinarily ridiculous! Ivy is fiercely independent, throws regular jaw-dropping tantrums, and yet is a perfectly normal child. I have days where I literally want to shut it all out, because for the life of me I can do nothing to please her or I have to forcibly strap her into the carseat lest she jumps out into oncoming traffic. But then she makes me crack up with her hilarious annecdotes, her astounding memory, and her winning smile. Just the other day she said "When I was grown up, I used to like hummus", calling the swaddle a smoothie, and she made up her first conjoined word - "snorm" (snow storm). Seriously, how do you not laugh at this? My patience is not only tested when she goes bananas, but also when I have to read Dora's Dance to the Rescue for the 9000th time. I'm sure I'll miss it someday...or maybe not.

I've also continued to muse on the notion of being in control. I am currently struggling, again, with giving up control over parenting Sidney while he is at day care. It is so hard to accept that for 8 hours a day I am not the one providing him care, and it may not be exactly how I want it to be. Some of this is a function of his babysitter, and we're working on this, and some of it is me, trying to adjust. It's so damn hard. Transition week killed me, but we'll all be okay. I'm more attached to him than I was to Ivy at this stage, and I think in some ways its because I had more confidence off the bat with parenting so I've done things better with him...and I hate giving up some of the control.

And while I can control most, if not all, of what I say and do in my life, I cannot control how other people are going to respond. Shortly before Sidney was born, someone told me that there were some people who were having a hard time hearing what I had to say about the circumstances of my pregnancy because they were dealing with infertility. This sent me into a tailspin of guilt, trying to figure out who I could have hurt and what I said that could have been taken in a way other than what it was - heartwrenching honesty. I never intentionally rubbed this in anyone's face, and eventually I couldn't hide the fact I was pregnant so I was likely a visual reminder to some people of what they may not have had that I did. While I am always (well, usually) aware of my actions and words, I realized that I cannot assume responsibility for everyone with whom I interact without developing a major guilt complex. I am boldly sharing who I am and what I'm experiencing in my life...I don't force anyone to read this, nor do I even expect anyone to understand. I'm not saying I don't care. Not at all. But the feedback has been overwhelmingly empowering and inspiring, so I'm grateful to have found a space to explore and build connections with numerous people who have been interested in engaging with me in this journey.

Looking forward, let's talk resolutions! The ones I made at the end of last year ironically didn't turn out so well (not going to get into it), but I'm trying again. Here's what I hope to do in 2011:

• Running - I'm going to shoot for a half marathon this year. It's motivation enough to pay the registration fee, so I'm really going to do it. I waited too long after Ivy was born to get back in shape, and now the last 15 pounds seem to be a little more stubborn. So here come 13.1 miles - date and location to be determined.
• Revisiting vegetarianism - When I found out I was pregnant, I threw my vegetarian experiment out the window in favor of turkey sandwiches and juicy hamburgers. My cravings for meat made my ethical and environmental considerations were officially null and void. I still very much want to do this, but since I'm nursing and therefore consuming more calories than I was while pregnant, I think this will have to wait awhile.
• Project 365 - A photo a day, which I almost already do anyway. And because I really need yet another blog. Oy.
• Poker - I'm going to try to be nicer to our cat. Yeah....

I have to thank everyone in my life who has supported us this year and demonstrated immeasurable acts of love and friendship. Thank you to YOU, readers, for keeping up with our family and sharing your thoughts and kind words. In fact, if you're so inclined, become a follower of the blog! I may try to see if I can take this thing up a notch in the new year. Not an actual resolution, just a lofty ambition. This has been a great record of my year, and I'm looking forward to what the next year has in store. Happy and healthy 2011 to everyone - may it be a year full of love and blessings. If you have only half as much as I do, it'll be an amazing year for sure!

Happy New Year!

Ivy's Vacation - shoulda been a National Lampoon's movie, or How Come I Never Get a Vacation?

When did I get old? My birthday is on Sunday, and while I'm not necessarily phased by the number, I'm struck by the instances that have clearly aged me. Like at IKAR when I find myself bemoaning the micro-mini skirts worn by teens at Bar Mitzvahs. That and I'm old enough to be a parent...it's weird when you start saying and doing the things your own parents did, like "I can't believe those skirts - kids today!" and going to parent/teacher conferences. Next thing I know I'll be driving a minivan...

Speaking of birthdays, look who's 3 months today!

That's 15 1/2lbs of chunkalicious love!

Tomorrow is my last official day of maternity leave. Thankfully, next week is a flexible transition week, so I'm not being thrown in all at once. Sidney is going to have his own transition week at day care (update - we're at Ivy's old place, and still waiting to see if a spot opens at the other place), where I take him in the morning and he learns how to take a nap there and drink regularly from his bottles...which means it's also transition week for me pumping multiple times a day. Good times. I have managed to keep my emotional meltdowns to a minimum, but it's still really hard. As I sit rocking him at naptime, I find myself wishing time would stand still, that I didn't have any other responsibilities and that someone else wasn't going to be caring for him.

The whole thing has me wraught with so much emotion, leading me to unfortunately take it out on whoever's near me. Usually that someone is the cat. Poor guy. But when you have four human beings in the house to care for and clean up after, you can imagine why he's constantly getting the short shrift. He deserves better, I know, so if you or anyone you know is looking to adopt a wonderful, never-hungry, ball of puking fur and put him under your Christmas tree in a box with a big red bow, please let me know.

Ivy is currently on vacation from school which means...vacation at Nana and Papa's house! It worked out great since we were already there last weekend, and she stayed a couple extra days by herself. She had a great time - going on adventures, eating pasta at every meal, livin' the dream. Truth is, I needed the vacation more than she did. As guilty as I feel about not being with her more during the day, especially while I've been home, I cannot get a single thing done when she's around, not to mention I'm constantly on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. Not that I get a whole lot more done with Sidney too, but having one baby who naps freed me up for a couple hours so I can begin to tackle my long list of things to do before next week. On Monday I began the great Big Girl Bed project. My friend Andrea came over with her tools and we took apart the bed and moved the pieces to the garage to stain them. It's looking really nice so far, and if I only I had a few more hours I could actually finish the damn thing. Before and After pictures to come, assuming I ever finish. Ivy has been asking about it.

Speaking of things Ivy has been asking about, we had a funny experience last week driving home from school. We passed a house with Christmas lights and Ivy asked "Mommy, why does the house have so much lights?" "They're for Christmas," I answered, hoping I wouldn't have to do too much explaining about Christmas yet. Her reply? "Christmas baby!"

Huh? She goes to Jewish preschool...are we talking about the same Christmas baby?

"Christmas baby!" she said again. I asked where she had learned about that and she said "At the party for Christmas baby, at her house!" OH, KRISTIN'S baby!!! She had remembered that from over a month ago at Kristin's baby shower. She has since had the baby (yay!) and I told Ivy we were going to get to meet her when we went to San Diego. We were so excited to get to see them. Little Maddie was born 4 weeks early, but is doing great. Ivy, interestingly, was hardly impressed. She was more interested in preventing me from looking at Kristin's wedding album, but that's another story....

Kristin and I with Sidney and Maddie, aka the Christmas baby!

Well friends, until next week when I bring you the year-end review of 2010 and a forecast for 2011...unless Ivy sends me to the loony bin before then.

So much to do, so little time

I seriously cannot believe how fast the time is flying. I remember when I leisurely made a list of things I wanted to do while on leave, and now I'm frantically trying to cross them off! I'm sorta in denial...

Yesterday, great progress was made, thanks to my mom - we did a major clean out of our garage so we could have room for all of our strollers and other nonsense. It felt liberating to throw out and donate so much stuff. We also began tackling the kids' room, cleaning out and organizing their huge closet and sorting through old toys and junk. Soon it will be time for Ivy's roommate to move in, and I still have to get her big girl bed ready. Thank goodness OSH has a how-to videofor staining furniture. (What am I getting myself into??) I'm going to spruce up the hand-me-down twin bed in our office for her, and then Grandma and Grandpa's Hanukkah present to Ivy is a new mattress and bedding. This is what she picked out at Target:

The bed project is going to be intense (this is me we're talking about here), so I'm trying to be realistic about everything else:

• Must. Finish. Thank you notes. (Sorry if you haven't received yours yet - I promise it's coming!)
• Spend lots of time snuggling with Sid in bed, relishing his yummy rolls and sweet smile.
• Oh and of course, cooking and freezing lots of meals...because if I don't Ivy will be eating a lot of Trader Joe's soy nuggets for dinner.

That's about it. I was also pleased to find some great clothes to go back to work, an early birthday present from my parents. Stretchy-waist skirts that are actually cute - who knew?! And I'll leave you with a comparison shot of Ivy and Sid at 2 months. These are pictures my dad took - the one of Ivy is a classic, so we decided to recreate the scene with Sid at exactly the same age. I forgot she had so much hair!

Eeek - it's December!

And so the end of my maternity leave is in sight - 3 weeks left. Then one week working from home to close out 2010, and I'm officially back in the office after the new year. I mean, it's not like I haven't been working - heck, I've been baking up a storm in an effort to rid our fridge and freezer of various leftover items. I had the idea first to use up all the extra cream cheese from the bris, and made mini cheesecake tarts. Yum. Then after cleaning out and rearranging the freezer (during which I accidentally threw out Sidney's foreskin that was in a little bag, awaiting burial...oops), I found several containers of frosting from previous cupcake bakings. Since we need the freezer room for my growing stash of milk, I decided to liberate some tupperware and bake more cupcakes. I am a genius. Also keeping me busy is STILL dealing with insurance, and ordering our double stroller. Babies R Jerks, as our friend Jeremy called them, made the whole process very difficult (gift cards, completion coupons, free shipping - oh my!), but this beauty is on its way:

Just like with Ivy, I'm all sorts of mixed up about going back to work. I'm looking forward to exercising my brain more every day (I think I may have gotten dumber over the last few months...) and getting dressed in normal clothes, even though none of them really fit and I've really become accustomed to wearing leggings and yoga pants 24/7. It will be nice to be around other adults and out of my house. But then again, my heart aches when I think about not being with Sidney all day. He's been such a wonderful baby, and he'll still be so small when it's time to go to day care. I'm tearing up just writing this...3 months isn't enough, except we can't afford more. I don't care what girls my age were told growing up - you can't have it all, I'm convinced.

Speaking of daycare, this has been the source of much of my stress lately. I was really pissed at Ivy's babysitter, because all along we've talked about sending him there with her, but we found out after he was born that she didn't have space for him! I told her back in April that I was pregnant, and all summer we'd remind her and offer to give a deposit, but she kept saying it was too early. Since we were screwed, we went looking elsewhere and found a really sweet home near Ivy's school. Much more convenient, more organized, everything. But they also don't have space yet, despite telling me originally that they did. Meanwhile, a space opens up at Ivy's current place so we put a deposit down but are hoping a spot opens up at the new place. This has Ivy's babysitter all in a tizzy, to which I say welcome to my world. This, more than anything, keeps me up at night these days, wondering who is going to care for my precious little

baby and then how the hell we're going to pay for it. I just wish we could figure it out so I can enjoy my last few weeks at home.

So when I need a laugh, I just think of this Ivy story:

We have made an effort to call all body parts by their actual names. Okay, so I slipped. I used a non-anatomically correct word for vagina to Mike, and Ivy overheard. She proceed to repeat the word when she realized it got a big laugh out of us. At this point Mike walked away, taking no responsibility for what had just transpired. A few days go by and she hadn't repeated it again, so I figured we were in the clear. Then, on the way home from preschool a few weeks ago, she started singing "'I've got that Shabbat feeling under my _______!"

Mother of the year, right here.

Happy Hanukkah!