Dumb questions for pregnant people

Listen, I understand that a lot of us slept through sex-ed class in 7th grade and don't fully comprehend the basics of human reproduction. And now with the Idiot-in-Chief's plan for abstinence-only sex-ed, the ignorance is only going to grow. But the ridiculous questions I have been asked after "breaking the news" to people have been really astounding. I guess I should have expected this lack of knowledge after our first meeting with Dr. Tsui, who felt the need to explain to us how babies are born (hint: it involves a penis and a vagina). So here are some dumb questions you should NOT ask after a couple tells you that they're having a baby:

1. Aren't you like so excited?

No, we're pissed off. Of course we're excited! If we weren't excited, we wouldn't be telling you. "Actually, we tried to abort the kid, but insurance wouldn't cover it, so here we are..."

2. When did you start telling people?

Reading between the lines, this means "how important am I to you?" Get over yourself, jerk. "We've told everyone we know, including the homeless guy that hangs out by my office, except you, because we're sick of your ugly face."

3. Are you gonna find out if it's a boy or a girl? What do you want to have?

This one hits close to home because we're not finding out the baby's gender. Sometimes when I tell this to people, they say "Great!" which is the correct response, even if you don't agree with this and think we're making a huge mistake. But sometimes they go "Oooh..." like we've made the wrong choice. Honey, when you have a baby, you can do whatever you want. As far as the second part of the question goes, I want a healthy kid. Since I have no control over the kid's gender, I'm just gonna hope for "human" and leave everything else up to the Fates.

4. Are you thinking of names for the baby? Don't name it something like X.

Because of course, the person who said this to me said one of the names highest on our list...

5. Was it an accident?

You have NO IDEA how many people have asked us that, or some variation on it. What do you take us for? And what if the kid HAD been an accident? How're you gonna ask us that? It's like you telling your friend "I got into a car accident today," and your friend immediately asks "How drunk were you at the time?" (Not that our baby is like a car accident or anything... Our baby is awesome). Interestingly, the people who have asked us this tend to be our more conservative friends. We're in a married relationship sanctified by Hashem and the state of California - shouldn't having babies be the logical next step in our lives? Maybe that's what happens when you don't take sex-ed because it's "immoral" - you have no concept of how responsible, mature adults go about having a baby.

The best example of this came when I told the infamous J (who's 35, mind you) about our baby. After asking the most important question about our baby ("What's its sign going to be?"), he then asked "So how did Kim tell you?" This is how the rest of the convo went:

Me: What do you mean?

J: You know, when she found out. That must have been really awkward.

Me: Well, not really. I mean, we planned it.

J: Planned it? What do you mean?

Me: I mean we planned it. I mean... J, I didn't knock Kim up or anything. We planned it.

J: Oh. I don't know how these things work.

Me: Well, we were using birth control, and then we decided to have a baby, so we stopped using birth control, and Kim got pregnant.

J: Oh. Oh wow. Huh. So you've been thinking about this for a while then?

Me: Yeah.

J: Oh. Huh. I guess I never knew that's how you did it.

HOW ELSE WOULD YOU DO IT???? Jeez! Now I am usually loathe to blame movies for anything, because a) I work in the movie business and b) I have seen many many violent movies and have never killed anyone, but I gotta think that the media is to blame here. You rarely see a movie about a couple responsibly having a child (although I guess there's no drama in that), so people whose only conception of real life is from the movies (like J) have no clue about how normal people make babies, and just assume that every pregnancy is an accident. Not every kid is a mistake! In other news, today 16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she is pregnant. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that that one was indeed an accident. Yeah. Suffice it to say, our kid will not be in her kid's play group (or group therapy sessions, whichever come first).

 - Big Papi