I'm still here, I swear

My bad. I cannot believe it's been a month since my last entry...well I can, sort of. The short version is that I got laid off from my job (we all did - sadly, the organization had to suspend all operations) and I swear I have never been busier. When did I have time to work? Not only am I job hunting and meeting with people about jobs and doing odd jobs, but I am also trying to keep the house running. I have done oodles of loads of laundry and dishes, and only some cooking. I have not been bored or without something to do for the last 2 weeks, not even blog!

BUT - don't worry friends, I'll be back soon. And in fact, I've been doing a lot of work on some stuff that I'm excited to share along with a big, and timely, announcement. No, I'm not pregnant again. Get your mind out of that place. Now.

Until then - hopefully before Pesach - I have to give a shout out to Bill and Carin on the arrival of their beautiful baby boy. Mini Folman came into the world last Friday, and I had the privilege of meeting him yesterday. Fun times are in store for him and Sidney.

See you soon!

"Spring cleaning" my brain - coming out of blog hibernation

I've been slacking on the blog front recently, but for good reasons...I'm a full-time working mom of 2, remember? I've also been intentionally stepping away from the laptop in the evenings, when I'm not doing work (which I do have to do a bit each night) or editing photos, with the goals of a) trying to earn a little bit of extra money by doing some grantwriting (and other projects - I'm pimping myself out people, so send stuff my way, rates negotiable!) and b) trying to read more. I'm in a book club now, so I gotta get my reading on, know what I'm saying? Right now I'm reading Cutting for Stone, and it's excellent. It's also about 800 pages long and I have to finish it before our meeting in 4 days. I also have been getting terrible headaches by day's end, since I stare at a computer screen all day. And if I'm going to stare at a screen when I get home, it better be something funny like THE OFFICE or mindnumbing like JERSEY SHORE. So this is just a quick update to let you know that all is still well.

Mike and I finally settled on a weeknight schedule and rhythm for getting done what needs to be done (big shout out to the ECC hot lunches that started this week, meaning 2 fewer nights that we have to make Ivy a lunch!), and it even includes going to the gym. My nights are Tuesdays (spinning) and Wednesdays (pilates). This has been critical to ensuring that I'm doing exercise at all, though with my favorite day of the year coming up this weekend (duh, Daylight Savings!) I will be able to do some evening running as well. It's high time I start working on that new year's resolution...

I had a successful get away with my sister-in-law Erica on the infamous Cruise to Nowhere. I missed being with the littles, but it was nice to be free for a night. I drank fruity cocktails, sat in the jacuzzi, and got dressed up for dinner...a far cry from what I wear to dinner most nights. Erica and I had lots and lots of laughs...you would not believe some of the rubes that were on this ship, and we weren't even going anywhere! That and the awful rock and roll tribute show...though to call it a tribute it really quite generous. I brought my pump, and had the ship staff a bit confused as to why I needed to periodically get into my fridge bag over the course of the evening. I slept 8 hours, uninterrupted, and overall felt quite refreshed. Then it seemed that the moment I walked in the door at home, my back started hurting again and it was chaos trying to wrangle the kids. So much for feeling refreshed!

Don't try this at home...

Speaking of my back, I've been complaining about it long enough, so back to the doctor I went. She quickly deduced that a lot of the upper back tension and pain I'm feeling is likely from stress...big shock there. So I've been working on managing my stress, and lo and behold I'm feeling a lot better. That and my weekly pilates. I never had ballerina posture to begin with, but improving that is also helping. Slow and steady...

A couple weekends ago, we had a "blind" play date with a friend from my mommy message board. She was someone that I knew lived in LA, and we've "known" each other for a couple years now. She has 2 sweet little girls, one of whom is exactly Ivy's age and the other who just turned 1. We finally decided it was time to meet in person, so I bit the bullet and gave out my address to a complete stranger on the internet. My instincts were good on this one, and we had a very nice afternoon with our new friends. Ivy and Lu jumped around laughing and made muffins. It was super cute and really nice to meet some new people.

Then this past weekend, Ivy came down with a 24-hour bug of some sort. She woke up and was a little off, but we figured she was just a little tired. She got to gym class and as we sat down for circle time, I realized she was burning up. I whisked her off the floor and into the car, where I settled her on the couch with a sippy cup of apple juice and a Dora marathon (Who's brilliant idea was it to DVR episodes? Yup, mine!) while we waited for the Tylenol to work its magic reducing her 102 fever. Poor thing. She got to stay home from school on Monday, even though she was mostly fine by then and we had a fun, relaxing day together. I'm so glad that so far Sidney has managed to stay healthy...but believe me, Ivy was NOT happy about not being allowed to touch or kiss him while she was sick. She cried...a lot. "I WANNA HUG MY SINNY-BOY!" Love.

Purim is coming up, and once again Mike and I find ourselves at a loss for costume ideas. We really set the bar way too high 3 years ago. My only idea is to dress up as pregnant. (What, too soon?!) But while we try to figure it out, Ivy announced that she would not be going as a cupcake (at least she wore it once on Halloween so it wasn't a complete waste) and wanted to be a flamingo. I thought this was hilarious:

but I'm not about to drop that much money so off to the craft store we go! I see lots of pink feather boas in my future. I never knew I would attempt to be so crafty!

That's about it for now. Mike goes out of town next week for work, so it's Nana to the rescue! We may attempt some light sleep training, but this little boy has got me wrapped around his finger so I'm pretty sure it won't happen and he'll be in my bed every night as usual. How can you say no to this face?

Hey ladies!

I swear I don't work for any of these companies

With a new little nephew on the way, god willing, I've been talking a lot to my sister-in-law Erica about baby stuff. I've given her rundowns of all the gear we have and recommend, and have given her tips for finding good deals and ways to save money. It was our email conversation yesterday that led her to suggest, "This would be a great topic for your blog!" So here it is - How Kim Dominates Internet Shopping! Haha.

First things first, please vote for Ivy! How is it that this gorgeous little sparkler is doing so bad in the rankings? Vote early and vote often...seriously, every day through Sunday (and multiple times a day from different browsers and computers). Tell yo' friends too. Ivy rules!

Parents Magazine Kid of the Year - click here!

(You have to vote, not just Facebook like it!)

Anyway, I often joke about my internet shopping addiction...okay, so it's not always a joke but I should clarify the "addiction" part. Sure I lust after fancy shoes and handbags, or browse designer clothes for my kids, but that's not what I actually buy. Please. Here's my situation - I don't really have time to shop for much more than food, so I rely on the interwebz for many of my purchases. And when you're on a super-tight budget like we are, you have to be careful about where your money is going. Fortunately we've been blessed with lots of gifts when both kids were born, and 2 grandmothers who love to buy them clothes (and books and toys), not to mention lots of hand-me-downs from friends, so the truth is we don't often need a ton of new stuff for them. However, needs do arise - Ivy becoming potty trained and needing underpants, for example, and the birth of Sidney requiring a double stroller for our weekend walks to IKAR - so a-shopping we must go.

I can't even begin to tell you about how many things I've gotten practically or totally free due to my dilligence at finding the best deals and knowing places to shave off a few dollars here and a few dollars there. So I've decided to let you in on my secrets because we all like saving money, right? Here are my tips and rules:

1. My number one rule is never pay for shipping! If I can't get free shipping, I usually don't shop on the site. EVERYONE offers free shipping these days, so don't settle for less! If there's no free shipping code, I see how much more I need to buy to get free shipping and see if it's worth it to throw something else in the cart. For places like Target, I will ALWAYS make my purchase at least $50, because I know I can return the thing I don't really need in the store, thus saving me from having to pay to ship it back either and then I basically get the item I do need without having to pay for shipping. I will only pay for it if it's unavoidable, and I'm able to save at least the amount of shipping in other ways (see #3).

2. Ebates- this should be #1 because it's the first place you should start. This site actually sounds too good to be true - you get cash back for shopping through their site? What's the catch? Nothing...well except maybe you're a help to advertisers, but you actually get checks in the mail! (I just got a nice one last week.) You click through to the site you want to buy starting from Ebates, and it tracks your purchase, giving you a certain percentage back. And they offer incentives with daily double cash back on certain retailers. Deal of the century, I tell you. When I told my dad about this he was mad that I didn't tell him sooner! "Think of all the cash back I could have gotten when I bought our new TV or from all of the soccer jerseys I'm always buying!" Go there now, through my referral code.

3. Retailmenot - this site should be everyone's second stop, after Ebates. There are others out there, like Coupon Cabin, but I like this the best. You can search any retailer out there, and they will tell you what coupon codes exist...users submit them so they're not always accurate, but it's a great way to find codes that aren't publicized. And the best part is when you can stack the codes to get free shipping AND $5 off AND another 20% off! (Listen to me - I'm like an anti-Semite's dream!)

4. Be a loyal customer - get on the email list of places you frequent. You'll hear about sales and secret discounts, and sometimes you earn points by referring people. What, too many emails? Do what I do and use a secondary email account so you don't clog your main inbox. All of my purchases and related emails go to my Yahoo account, so I can keep Gmail for real communication.

Some of my favorite shopping sites and recommendations:

Diapers.com - kinda my best e-friend. Not a week goes by where we don't need baby bath soap or wipes or whatever. Sure you have to spend $25 to get free shipping (if you also buy something from the sister site Soap.com), but that's not really hard considering there are 4 people in our house and someone always needs something. And believe me, it's much more economical to tack on one or 2 items that I don't really need, but are cheap, than to go to Target when I know I can get them for a little bit less and end up impulse buying, thus negating the savings. Plus it's great for birthday gifts since they have EVERYTHING - books, toys, clothes, you name it. The best part is NEXT DAY SHIPPING! If you order by 6pm, it arrives on your door the very next day! Recently I was sorting through Sidney's jammies and realized about half of them didn't fit. With only 3 good pairs, and two of them in the laundry (with no time to wash them), I was going to be stuck the next night. Nope! Found a pair on clearance at diapers.com, added a couple other things we needed and BAM a box was waiting at the door when I got home from work. Sidney did not have to sleep naked after all.

use code:KIMB6119

Not valid for existing Diapers.com, Soap.com or BeautyBar.com customers. Some restrictions apply.

Groupon/Living Social/Every other website like this - now this is really where I have an addiction because I get Daily Deal emails from at least 10 places a day so its a good thing I dont need or want most of whats on there - teeth whitening, Brazilian blow outs (okay, i'm tempted) personal pilates lessons, botox. But there will occasionally be some great ones, like for Amazon or GAP or Shutterfly (hello, super helpful for all my pictures!), and occasionally we spring for restaurant ones since we never really go out and this gives us an excuse to do so on the cheap.

Mamapedia and Plum District - like Groupon, but specifically for moms and families and customizable by city.

Amazon Mom - if you don't use Amazon, you're probably living under a rock. Their Mom site directs you to deals on all baby essentials, and you can sign up for Subscribe and Save for things like diapers. It can save you tons!

Baby Steals - I don't remember to check this every day, but someone posted a link on my mom's forum and I was so glad I checked it out - 50% off Ergos! I already have one, but we promised Erica and Adam that that would be our baby gift to them so can you imagine how excited I was? Score! This is extra amazing because Ergos are NEVER on sale (okay, rarely because I got mine on sale, natch).

Baby Half Off - pretty much the same as Baby Steals, but their stuff sells out super quick.

Of course the best way to save money is not to shop at all. But what fun is that?!

I'm going no where and I'm SO excited!

Life continues to chug along at our house. Every week is a slight improvement over the previous one, in terms of nailing down the routine and making the trains run on time. And Sidney doesn't seem to interested in figuring out how to not wake up every 3 hours, but we're working on that. The advice from the pediatrician and the Pump Station was to make sure we're not taking him out of the room when he wakes up...um, yeah that means I have to get up out of bed to go in there and feed him in order to get him back in the crib. Right. I'm so dead to the world that feeding him in our bed is all I have the energy for. Must work on this. Will be good for everyone.

BUT - guess what? Remember how I talked about needing a night away so badly? Well the Gods of the Interwebz were listening (well, actually my sister in law) and I get to go away next Saturday night! My sister in law, Erica, is a "cruise critic" ;-) and she is going to be touring and reporting on a new ship in Long Beach. She's invited to stay over night with dinner and entertainment, AND she gets to bring a guest! ME ME ME!!! I'm so excited - my first cruise to nowhere! We literally don't even leave the port, but it will be magical nonetheless...except for the part where I have to schlep my pump and store milk for the 18ish hours that I'm gone. But I get to go away and put on a nice dress and drink free cocktails and eat a yummy dinner and see a show and maybe even hit the gym and/or jacuzzi AND sleep in my very own bed with no interruptions! WOO HOO! And Mike is a true saint for granting me this opportunity and for staying home with the little ones (if you're around next Saturday evening and feel like helping him out give him a call!). A well-rested and refreshed mama is good for everyone. Trust me.

Enough about me. Ivy makes me so proud. She has just been an amazing kid over the last couple weeks...not that she isn't usually awesome, but she's on fire these days. Last week her preschool teacher told us that she was a really great friend to the new girl in the class, taking her under her wing and showing her the ropes. My heart melted to hear this.

"This is our shopping cart..."

She's using Hebrew a lot for almost any word that she knows, and she started calling me Ima! She loves her play kitchen and pretend food and her little dishes and mixer, and will often make Mike and I "birthday dinners" complete with cupcakes. She is also now totally self-relient in the mornings. She stumbles out of bed and heads straight to the kitchen, bleary eyed and hair a mess, where she gets her yogurt from the fridge and sits at the table to eat. It's pretty hilarious for some reason. We're also kick ass with potty training. She only has maybe 1 accident a week, and is probably ready to ditch the nighttime Pull-Ups soon. I could not be happier to only have one set of diapers...especially since her little tush looks so much cuter now! She's just all around awesome, and I had to brag. Besides this is the closest thing we're going to have to a baby book, so deal with it.

Sidney is super smiley and chatty and loves to wake me up by talking my ear off...now if only he would wait to wake up until say 7am, I'd be so much happier! He enjoys hanging out in his pink bumbo while Ivy reads him Dora books. And apparently he rolled over for the first time last weekend. I say apparently because I actually did not witness it. Poor Sid - I think I have Ivy's first roll on video. Anyway, we were with my parents at Nordstrom in Irvine, home to many half-way point meetups with them, and while Ivy, my mom and I were dutifully shopping for shoes in the kids' shoe department, my dad put Sid on a blanket on the floor to take some pictures. He was chillin' on his tummy and all of sudden just rolled to his back, or so I hear. And of course he has not done it again since, at least not for me. I tell you, that shoe department is magical. In honor of the occasion, Ivy got a new pair of purple sneakers - Twinkle Toes, to be exact. When she kicked the back of my seat on the drive home in the dark, I kept thinking there was a cop following me.

They're all the rage. Don't you wish you had a pair? Maybe if you're good, Nana will take you shoe shopping too!

Please don't tell me I can sleep in 18 years...

Ugh. I'm tired. It's really starting to catch up with me. Not just the last 4 months, but from the pregnancy and since Ivy's birth and the pregnancy that preceded it. I need to sleep. And I don't mean to suggest that we don't sleep at all. Sidney is a decent sleeper (as was Ivy), but it's the quality of sleep that has gone down the tubes. And I don't get to take advantage of weekend naps because I'm trying to put Sid down while Mike passes out with Ivy (today for 3 hours - no fair!). It's hard to rest your chronically aching back when you're huddled on the edge of the bed trying not to squish the baby on your right side (or fall off for that matter), freezing cold because the covers have been torn away, and then having to nurse the whole night.

We're definitely at the 4 Month Whatever phase - you know, the one where first time parents eat their words for saying their kid had slept through the night by 3 months only to realize that the kid has no intention of doing it ever again for a few months. Call it a growth spurt or whatever you want, but it's not fun. Add to that we moved Sidney into Ivy's room a week ago, so we're still trying to figure out which of them is least likely to wake up the other. So far, they're both losing. The minute Sid hits 6 months, we're going to send Ivy to my parents for a couple days and sleep train him. We have to. I won't be able to function like this for too much longer. I can't be the kind of mom I want, and need, to be.

And it's not like I'm not trying to be Super Mom...just Average Mom will do. The kind of mom who doesn't forget to pack her kid a lunch and avoids traffic collisions when her eyelids are drooping (for the record, I have forgotten to pack lunch but thank God have not yet gotten into a car accident due to falling asleep at the wheel). I don't want to be so irritable during the few precious hours I have home with the kids during the week. I don't want to have to rely on coffee to get me through the day. I want my 2 pairs of nice works pants to fit without causing painful skin-dentations right above my still-tender c-section scar (though admittedly this is partly my own fault for having no willpower when, say, someone brings donuts to the office). And I desperately need a hair cut, but feel guilty at the mere thought of spending a fortune at the place I really want to go to.

I'm already planning what I'm going to do when Sid is weaned - I'm going to hit the 10 and head straight to Palm Springs without stopping, alone, where I'm going to hole up in a hotel and sleep in a big comfy bed all by myself and only leave my room to sit/sleep by the pool where my back pain will be massaged away. It will be bliss...feel free to contribute to the Kim Silverstein Sanity Vacation Fund at any time. I will set up a PayPal account and all I need is the last 4 digits of your social and your mother's maiden name. ;-)

So since I'm sure you're wondering why I even invited you to this Pity Party of One, I'll share some fun details of the awesome weekend we had with Mike's parents and grandfather. We had a lovely Shabbat dinner at home on Friday - the first nice, real dinner I've cooked in almost a year for more than 3 people - and lots of relaxing time at the house, playing and talking. We went out to celebrate GG's 93rd birthday (!!) and feasted on cupcakes and ice cream cake (again, no willpower). There were lots of laughs, as Ivy entertained the heck out of us, and everyone will surely sleep well tonight...well, except for me of course.

Here's my gigantic 4 month old, clocking in at 17lb 2oz last week at his check up. Damn. Oh, and Ivy has her first dentist appointment tomorrow - wish us luck!

Our Village

(Hey - I just noticed this is my 100th blog post! Woo hoo!)

Well, needless to say (if my 2 week absence isn't obvious), life has been quite hectic since going back to work. It's all sort of a blur, actually. Get up; try to get ready with a crying baby and a clingy toddler in my face; run out the door; oops, forgot Sid's bottles; go to work; drive all over town to pick up kids; make dinner; put kids to bed; wash bottles and pump parts; make Ivy's lunch for the next day; clean kitchen; and go to bed. Usually, all of this wouldn't be complete until about 10pm, at which point all I had the energy for was emptying my brain with some JERSEY SHORE or CUPCAKE WARS. And somehow, with the help of the Keurig in the office, I haven't yet fallen asleep at my desk at work.

The first week was rough, not gonna lie. My head consistently throbbed, we were all at each other's throats over various household tasks getting done, and I was left wondering how my life had become the proverbial rat race I had been trying to avoid. By week 2, we managed to figure it out a little better, ironing out the kinks from week 1. And we were lucky to have the help from my mom on Monday (Ivy was off school) which really set a more calm tone for the week. As my friend Caron always reminds me, it takes a village. Indeed.

Sidney is doing really well at day care. Transition week was less than perfect, but he's really getting the hang of it. He no longer fights the bottle, takes good naps, and gives the sitter a HUGE grin when he shows up. Of course the grin he gives me when I pick him up is even bigger. He's so chill about everything. Nights have not been terrible, and he get's a good 5-6 hour stretch before ending up in bed with us. He's probably ready to drop those middle of the night feedings (especially since he noshes his way through the early hours of morning!), but I'm too exhausted to be disciplined about putting him back in the bassinet. Plus its extra time we get to spend together, so I don't feel bad.

Ivy is excelling in preschool...I realize I say that like she's acing her AP classes, but seriously I cannot believe how much she is learning and absorbing. She regularly uses Hebrew around the house, and sings almost exclusively Hebrew songs. Her memory is astounding, telling me all kinds of details of her day and the conversations she has with her friends and teachers. She knows how to spell her name, Simon's name, and Morah Tristin's name. She can also read all of the names of the kids in her class. AND, in bigger news, she is about 75% potty trained! We realized we had been encouraging it and talking about it enough that she must know what to do already. So we backed off. And lo and behold, the other morning while I was making her lunch, she wandered into the kitchen and said "I pooped on the potty." She's been in underwear ever since and can make it through the day nearly accident-free. Halleluyah if I never see another Pull-Up again!

And I have to say that the real reason I haven't totally and completely lost it yet is because of my own job situation. I am so lucky to be in the position that I'm in, with a boss who is understanding, patient and flexible. I'm totally committed to making it work, because I like what I do and the cause that we're fighting for, it's just taking a little while to iron out the kinks of the drop off/pick up demands. It really does take a load off to not be stressed about work. I was in a much more stressful situation after Ivy was born, so by comparison this is a piece of cake. And when I'm feeling frustrated or missing the kids, I just remind myself why I'm doing this...well, mostly because I have to. But also because I like what I do and I think it's important for my kids to see that. I also think so much of Ivy's dynamic personality is due to the socialization and love she got at day care, and I hope Sidney also benefits from it. (It takes a village, remember?) I guess if I had the luxury of having a choice, or knowing that my income was going towards something other than necessities, I might rethink it. But for now, it is what it is.

So as I mentioned above, there have been a lot of big changes for Ivy these past few weeks. And I am finally ready to share the photos of the big girl bed and the rest of the room soon to be shared by both of the littles. Ivy has been doing great in her bed - she doesn't get out at night, and it's so cute to hear her in the morning call out "I'm awake - open the door!" I was worried about the transition, but so far it's been smooth. We'll see what happens when Sid moves in...

Tada! (Hello Ivy!)

There it is - the big girl bed!

Obligatory wall letters

Sid's corner

Mike and I celebrated 5 years of marriage yesterday. A big milestone, right? You're probably wondering what we did to celebrate. A fancy night out on the town? A trip to somewhere tropical? Close. A last-minute dinner at Souplantation. kids in tow, followed by underwear shopping for Ivy at Old Navy (she was so excited that she dropped her pants in the store and wanted to put new ones on right away), and then downing a bottle of cheap champagne while watching our wedding video, GOLDEN GIRLS reruns, and IT'S ME OR THE DOG on Animal Planet. Awesome. That's why I love him - we didn't really have an opportunity for a romantic celebration, but we knew how to have fun with what we have. And no one has ever accused us of not having fun!

Are we having fun yet?!

And in one final piece of news, there's going to be another Silverstein baby!!! No, you fool, not ours. I'm going to be an aunt! Erica and Adam are expecting a little boy at the end of May and we are all thrilled to pieces. I can't wait to have a nephew to spoil, since that's what good aunts do. And he'll have a lot of great hand-me-downs from Sid...except for the monkey onesie that we were so excited to pass down, Adam being a monkey lover and all, but I did not survive its last wear due to poop. Oh well.

Closing out 2010

I feel so cliche saying this, but this year went by so fast! It really did. Last year on New Year's we were celebrating Tamar and Noam's wedding...and just yesterday they welcomed a baby boy! (And I thought we had a crazy year!) It literally could have been yesterday, and we had no idea we were in for the ride of our lives! So of course I'm now all nostalgic about remember the events of 2010, though about 90%, if not more, were related to the pregnancy and birth of Sid. Speaking of cliches, I heard Seasons of Love on Pandora yesterday, so it's like I've had a montage of memories running through my head over the course of the last day...which briefly inspired me to put together an actual montage of photos and video set to the song and post it. Then I remembered I have 2 children and very limited free time, so I abandoned that plan. If you've seen my dining room table recently, you'd understand.

But I do want to reflect on the last year, because it was pretty extraordinary. In 365 days, I have experienced moments of utter despair and deep pain, and moments of pure elation and wondrous joy. And everything in between. When I sat with my friend and her new baby not long ago, she asked me what Sidney has taught me so far. I took pause in realizing that he and Ivy are, in fact, my greatest teachers. And, simply put, I have learned that life just keeps on going, like it or not, and whether it's going the way you planned. I had to get used to the idea of having another baby because every day he was growing bigger inside me; when I learned I would have to have a c-section I just had to move forward and prepare as best I could; when he was born the middle of the night feedings began again and there was no turning back. You don't get even a second to stop, and that makes it hard sometimes to enjoy. He's already 3 months old, and I am stunned at how the time has flown. I want him to be little forever, and I still say that about Ivy too.

I've learned that having 2 kids isn't actually as hard as I thought...it's that one of them is 2 1/2 which makes it extraordinarily ridiculous! Ivy is fiercely independent, throws regular jaw-dropping tantrums, and yet is a perfectly normal child. I have days where I literally want to shut it all out, because for the life of me I can do nothing to please her or I have to forcibly strap her into the carseat lest she jumps out into oncoming traffic. But then she makes me crack up with her hilarious annecdotes, her astounding memory, and her winning smile. Just the other day she said "When I was grown up, I used to like hummus", calling the swaddle a smoothie, and she made up her first conjoined word - "snorm" (snow storm). Seriously, how do you not laugh at this? My patience is not only tested when she goes bananas, but also when I have to read Dora's Dance to the Rescue for the 9000th time. I'm sure I'll miss it someday...or maybe not.

I've also continued to muse on the notion of being in control. I am currently struggling, again, with giving up control over parenting Sidney while he is at day care. It is so hard to accept that for 8 hours a day I am not the one providing him care, and it may not be exactly how I want it to be. Some of this is a function of his babysitter, and we're working on this, and some of it is me, trying to adjust. It's so damn hard. Transition week killed me, but we'll all be okay. I'm more attached to him than I was to Ivy at this stage, and I think in some ways its because I had more confidence off the bat with parenting so I've done things better with him...and I hate giving up some of the control.

And while I can control most, if not all, of what I say and do in my life, I cannot control how other people are going to respond. Shortly before Sidney was born, someone told me that there were some people who were having a hard time hearing what I had to say about the circumstances of my pregnancy because they were dealing with infertility. This sent me into a tailspin of guilt, trying to figure out who I could have hurt and what I said that could have been taken in a way other than what it was - heartwrenching honesty. I never intentionally rubbed this in anyone's face, and eventually I couldn't hide the fact I was pregnant so I was likely a visual reminder to some people of what they may not have had that I did. While I am always (well, usually) aware of my actions and words, I realized that I cannot assume responsibility for everyone with whom I interact without developing a major guilt complex. I am boldly sharing who I am and what I'm experiencing in my life...I don't force anyone to read this, nor do I even expect anyone to understand. I'm not saying I don't care. Not at all. But the feedback has been overwhelmingly empowering and inspiring, so I'm grateful to have found a space to explore and build connections with numerous people who have been interested in engaging with me in this journey.

Looking forward, let's talk resolutions! The ones I made at the end of last year ironically didn't turn out so well (not going to get into it), but I'm trying again. Here's what I hope to do in 2011:

• Running - I'm going to shoot for a half marathon this year. It's motivation enough to pay the registration fee, so I'm really going to do it. I waited too long after Ivy was born to get back in shape, and now the last 15 pounds seem to be a little more stubborn. So here come 13.1 miles - date and location to be determined.
• Revisiting vegetarianism - When I found out I was pregnant, I threw my vegetarian experiment out the window in favor of turkey sandwiches and juicy hamburgers. My cravings for meat made my ethical and environmental considerations were officially null and void. I still very much want to do this, but since I'm nursing and therefore consuming more calories than I was while pregnant, I think this will have to wait awhile.
• Project 365 - A photo a day, which I almost already do anyway. And because I really need yet another blog. Oy.
• Poker - I'm going to try to be nicer to our cat. Yeah....

I have to thank everyone in my life who has supported us this year and demonstrated immeasurable acts of love and friendship. Thank you to YOU, readers, for keeping up with our family and sharing your thoughts and kind words. In fact, if you're so inclined, become a follower of the blog! I may try to see if I can take this thing up a notch in the new year. Not an actual resolution, just a lofty ambition. This has been a great record of my year, and I'm looking forward to what the next year has in store. Happy and healthy 2011 to everyone - may it be a year full of love and blessings. If you have only half as much as I do, it'll be an amazing year for sure!

Happy New Year!