Surely you can't be serious.

We've come to the point where a common question we've been asked is "have you picked out names?" The answer is yes. And we've even considered what the possible repercussions of such names might be, and frankly they're unavoidable no matter what you pick. We did successfully avoid any names that conjure up memories of kids we knew back in elementary school, like bullies and nose-pickers. However, when tradition suggests naming Jewish children after relatives who have passed on, you are somewhat limited to begin with if that is the naming format you choose. Certainly there is room for creativity - i.e. using the first letter of someone's name and coming up with name that shares that letter - and with Hebrew names there aren't too many problems, unless someone in the family has already been named for that person. You can find out what we've chosen 8 days after Super Baby is born when he/she will be publicly named at the bris/naming, per Jewish tradition.

So in lieu of sharing what the name will be, we've decided to play a fun game of "What the baby will NOT be named" since the possibilities are virtually infinite. This started a couple months ago when I was in bed with my Jewish pregnancy and baby book, researching various Hebrew names and their meanings. I nearly peed myself laughing at some of the awkward and lesser-known biblical and religious names, more on the basis of what their potential nicknames on the playground might be, not to mention the confused stares of secular American strangers every time the kid has to introduce him/herself. This fun game continued at a baby naming we were at recently, where we engaged some of our friends in a bet about what we may (or more likely may not) name our kid. We told them they could safely take the following names out the running:

• Boaz (boy)
• Pinchas (boy)
• Faigy (girl)

Then this weekend I found myself downing Shirley Temples at Jami and Jordan's wedding, causing Super Baby to get on its little uterine trampoline and do back flips. Despite his/her apparent enjoyment of this beverage, Shirley can also be added to the Rejected Names list.

I am serious...and don't call me Shirley.

Dad's Club

Last week, the synagogue that we belong to sponsored a "New Dad's Night," in which all the guys whose wives are pregnant or who just had babies met up to discuss dad-related issues. Of the 8 or so guys who were there, most of them had already had the kid or were working on a second or third kid, so the whole pregnancy/birthing/fatherhood thing was old hat to them. Not so much for me. I felt very overwhelmed by the lingo these guys were throwing out, especially "doolah," a term I had never heard before. Is that the right spelling? "Dullah" maybe? It's the midwife-y birth coach person who helps out while your wife is in labor. The group spent about 15 minutes discussing the pros and cons of having one, while the whole time I was like, "Uh guys? Little help here? What exactly are we talking about?" They also used a complex number system for contractions, like 5-1-1, 4-1-1, etc. 911 was not mentioned, though it should have been.

The good news is, I now know a bunch of guys who will have babies roughly the same age as Superbaby so we can all hang out, change diapers, discuss sporting events, lick wing sauce off the kids' heads a la that commercial for some terrible new show on Fox, etc. And even if I'm behind now, I'm confident that I'll catch up with a quickness. By the ninth or tenth kid, I'm sure I'll have it all worked out...

There were 5 in the bed...

So at the highest count last week there were 5 in our bed - me, Mike, Super Baby (it counts, trust me - it takes up significant space), Poker the cat, and...the Snoogle.
Bless this woman's heart, and I sure hope she's having the sleep of her life, but do not be fooled! I spent $50 for this damn body pillow after a couple weeks of restless sleeps (and that was just due to physical discomfort...forget about my fragile mental state of anxiety), and already is potentially destroying our marriage, not to mention my neck muscles. It took a few nights to get used to it, after lying there with the above photo that came with it trying to emulate the various positions, while Sleepy Mike (yes, we have nighttime alter egos Sleepy Mike and Sleepy Kim who do not always act as nice as regular Mike and Kim) angrily responded by snatching the covers to his side, leaving me fluctuating between temperature extremes (the heat situation in our apartment is an entirely other story) and trying to wrangle the Snoogle. But as I adjusted, I watched our intimacy slip away into the night as it is now rare that we have any physical contact at all. I was warned that the Snoogle has to go as soon as the baby is born if I want any chance of rekindling the marital flame. Don't worry, that won't be a problem.

Then this weekend, I woke up on Saturday feeling kinda lousy after a fitful night's sleep and a tummy ache - throwback to week 11, anyone? - and we came home from services in desperate need of a nap. So I had to do the unthinkable. I kicked Mike out so the Snoogle and I could have the bed to ourselves.

And it was a damn good nap.

BUT, herein lies another problem. Although I am increasingly adjusting to finding comfortable positions for slumber, I have realized how much the Snoogle actually restricts your movement (the purpose, I think) to the point of stiff joints and muscles. I woke up yesterday feeling much better than Saturday - we did our Chinese New Year 5K run/walk (guess who did which), ate, showered, ran errands, etc. But as the day progressed my head became decreasingly mobile and by about 5pm I had virtually no lateral movement. I bought a warm compress for my neck, but that only did so much...driving to a meeting I had to go to was probably not the best idea, if you can imagine trying to parallel park without being able to turn your head.

Upon hearing the news that I was pregnant, someone told me "Get sleep while you can!" I wish I could say that this is someone who has never experienced pregnancy, but she has and clearly had a better relationship with her Snoogle than I have with mine. Everyone else has said when I complain about lack of sleep is that this is just preparation for when the baby arrives. THAT I am more or less prepared for - but I was really counting on some super snuggly sleeps over the next few months!

Shout to Kim and Tony Panza on the arrival of Bethany! After reading their baby blog, I was relieved to learn she arrived early (and healthy, thank gd) so that poor Kim didn't have to endure birthing an enormous baby. We can't wait to introduce the kids!

Things baby does not like

I've started to notice recently that Super Baby is starting to pick up on life outside the womb. I like to believe it has a super keen set of ears and little binoculars from which it peers out of my tummy. And it's starting to form opinions, so I'm pleased that our values are being transmitted already.

The first instance of note was on Shabbat morning this past weekend during text study. We were looking at Jewish law and abortion, which was a really interesting discussion. By no means was it a political argument of any kind, but I think Super Baby knew something was up that potentially had to do with it and got a little agitated. I think it heard "fetus" and "abort" in the same sentence and must have panicked. I hadn't felt any movement all morning until this discussion, so it was quite fascinating to observe its reaction. Don't worry Baby, you're in the clear on this one!

Then last night during the Super Bowl, it started throwing a 4th quarter tantrum...I don't blame it. I almost threw a tantrum myself. We were all really bummed at the outcome of the game. Poor Super Baby, experiencing it's first taste of what it's like to be a Boston sports fan and the innate heartache. Eli is DEFINITELY off the list of names now. (Not that it was ever on, but for sure now it will never be.)

Book it

There are many pregnancy books out there, and very few of them are daddy-centric (or even daddy-themed). I find this odd as in 99% of all pregnancies, a daddy is involved. (I say 99% because I actually know someone who was a test-tube baby - this girl named Allison in my dorm freshman year at Penn. She is nice). I wanted to purchase a book like this and study it, as there are a lot of basic baby-type activities (like changing a diaper) that I am woefully clueless about. (On the other hand, I am woefully clueless about a lot in life, baby-related or not, so I guess this is just par for the proverbial course).

The one that I purchased, called Be Prepared, is all right. It does contain some basic info that I learned, like how to swaddle a baby and how to prepare formula. The majority of the book though is lame. A lot of it is very "guy" based, like "Set up a workout for your baby! Urnh! Work those baby abs!" Yeah, that ain't happening. A lot of it is plain stupid, like the page and a half that explained the Five Second Rule and applied it to various baby things (like, "It's ok if the baby's pacifier falls on the floor. Five Second Rule!"). Dude, I understand the Five Second Rule. Not worth explaining. Another enjoyable section of the book was the "Sex After Pregnancy" chapter, which said in delicate terms that if your wife is too tired from dealing with the baby and if she doesn't feel in the mood because her body is still recovering from the birth, you can always take care of your needs by having her give you a blowjob. (Wait, is my mom reading this...?)

But I still would like to read a helpful, entertaining book that describes all sorts of daddy stuff so that I at least have a passing knowledge of simple parenting techniques when Superbaby arrives. If you are a recent dad and read this (who reads this besides Rainy? Shout out for the Rainster! Colorado - what what!!!), and have good daddy book recommendations, please post a comment. If you don't post, and the kid turns out really screwed up, you only have yourselves to blame.

I'm finally showing, or Who knew shopping could be so stressful?

The Babymoon marked the official half way point - last Saturday was 20 weeks - and it was basically that weekend that my belly decided to shoot out. (Oh, and I went with pre-preg bikinis after all. They more or less covered what they needed to cover.) It was an odd week - I could never really be certain if anyone knew, unless they were our waitress at dinner one night to whom my expectancy was apparently so obvious that it was smacking her in the face. No one at the B&B mentioned it until the last day, and we had been eating breakfast with these people for 5 days! Clothing wasn't too much of a challenge since I was in comfy, non-restrictive clothes all week as much as humanly possible. It was such a relaxing vacation - perfect time to rest, have adventures, and get excited planning for Super Baby.

Here I am, officially half way through:

Upon my return, I decided "Denial no more!" and I would hit the shops to accommodate my changing figure. Thus far, I pretty much had one pair of maternity pants which I promptly put on my first morning back to work, once I realized that I was in no mood to see if anything fit anymore. And I needed to dress myself past Wednesday, so... Let me tell you though, when you literally have 2 stores in the mall to choose from shopping isn't so fun anymore. First stop was Pea in a Pod where I spent way too much on a pair of jeans, but dammit if I'm going to be wearing one pair of jeans for the next 5 months they better not fall apart on me. Old Navy was disappointing, but I will likely go back there for some basic t-shirts and stuff once I've stretched out all my other shirts. I also got some new bras, and did some damage online as well. Ann Taylor Loft has a new maternity section on their website and was having a bitchin' sale, so I got some nice pants for work. I think I have now successfully created a miniature wardrobe for the time being, though I know I will be sad when cute spring clothes start arriving in stores and begin to more and more like an elephant.

And here's a picture of Super Baby's feet from the 20 week ultrasound:

You can't see it, but he/she is checking out Zappos as we speak...

OMG! WTF?!

Not long after I came to terms with the fact that I was pregnant and realized that I had some questions - but before we had told anyone - I turned to the trusty ol' internet. And I found The Nest Baby. I could not have been less prepared for what was on there, not to mention it made me feel old because I was not raised in an internet message board world. Email came around freshman year of college (unless you were "lucky" enough to have AOL version 1.4 before that, like my family was, complete with dial up modem that was still kicking around my parents' house until about a month ago), and the internet wasn't all that comprehensive. Nor was it a monumental time suck. But boy do things change when you sit at a computer for 8 hours a day with inevitable down time.

So apparently not only do a lot of people sit around surfing the net all day but - gasp! - they interact with it and other people who also apparently have too much time on their hands. The Nest Baby serves a couple of functions as far as I can tell - provide information about pregnancy, birth, parenting, etc (fair enough) and provide a forum for people experience said life changes to communicate (a can of worms that can never be closed once it's open). I have taken to the pregnancy week-by-week comparison to fruits and vegetables (this week Baby is a mango!) and have found some moderately informative, though not earth shattering, advice.

But oh, the message boards! They are divided up into categories - namely Trying to Conceive (TTC for the hip web kids), 1st trimester, 2nd trimester, 3rd trimester, then ones for various ages of babies. Frankly I don't even know where to begin. For starters, there is a frightening number of ladies whose screen names include "Wifey"...as in "MattsWifey24" or "IlovebeingaWifey". Who are these people??? I lurked on the 1st tri board for a while, realizing that despite the fact I had told virtually no one about the pregnancy, I seemed to know more than the nitwits who were posting and that made me feel a lot better. For example: "I'm six weeks along, and this morning I discovered some bleeding...what should I do?" Um, turn off the computer and get your ass to the doctor? This post found its way to the board roughly 6-7 times a day, along with a host of other inappropriate (as in, why are you asking a bunch of strangers on the web and not your doctor) questions and musings about pregnancy myths and old wives' tales. The rest of the posts fall into one of two buckets - people who must be desperate for social networking and just like to post on the boards to chat with other "nesties" as they call them, and people who actually have questions that are not readily found in books (I actually had a couple of those, and admit that I did post them...).

1st tri was just a warm up. By the time 2nd tri rolls around, these women get downright bitchy. They start making fun of the 1st tri-ers (which clearly I'm doing as well, but in the private domain of my blog, not the whole Nest pregnancy community), and really bitching each other out (hello pregnancy hormones!). I really could go on and on, but I'll share my two favorites:

• A 2nd tri-er was apparently SO bored and unfilled by the 2nd tri board that she decided to check out the TTC kids. But boy did she discover a gem - a woman who was lamenting that after 6 months she hadn't conceived, and let's just say (for the sake of the squeamish) that her understanding of the mechanics of how one gets pregnant were clearly off and thus the reason for her inability to conceive. Sperm has to be inside, ladies. Just saying. This provided hours of amusement in the form of posts back and forth, of course resulting in someone calling everyone bitches for making fun of the poor girl and a tangent shooting off into infinity.
  
• A big thing on the 2nd tri board is announcing the gender after your big ultrasound (or u/s in nest lingo) - lots of internet squealing, if you can imagine it, "I'm on Team Pink!" or "Go Blue!" Hee hee! So someone is REALLY irked that people keep using "gender" and "sex" interchangeably, and decides to call the bitches out on this. I happen to agree because I am grammatically aware and all that, but this really went to another level. The shit really hit the fan when the original nestie posted a definition of the two words and said "trust me, I graduated from Loyola University and I was an English major"...mind you this post was also chock full of glaring grammatical errors. Hilarity ensued. If you're so inclined, you should search for this conversation because I guarantee it will be worth your while.

One other thing to mention - the Nest Baby came up with its own set of board lingo. Some of them may in fact be medically accurate acronyms (like OBGYN), and I do not take issue with those. Allow me to share my top 5 faves (aka you will never catch me DEAD using ANY of these! Ever.):

1. BD - Baby Dance (baby making sex). Really people? Can you NOT just say SEX?
2. BFP - Big Fat Positive (home pregnancy test result) as in "OMG I got my BFP! LOL!" No thanks.
   
3. DH - Dear Husband. Mike, you are dear, but I will never call you DH unless Marty McFly accompanies us back to the 50s.
4. NBR - Not Baby Related. Then what the hell are you doing posting it on this board? How friggin desperate are you?
5. AF - Aunt Flo (menstruation). I'm not even going to go there.

Off to the big u/s today - OMG! I'm rooting for Team Human! - then the BABYMOON tomorrow! More to post after Hawaii...